Monday, February 27, 2012

Fear Not!

Well I titled this post, fear not, thinking about all the worrying I've been doing in my brief time as an adult. Jesus says, "Don't be afraid; just believe." and again in Mark 4 to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" And I wonder, what's wrong with me? I believe. I have faith. But when faced with the freeways of Los Angeles or thinking about having to fly 30,000 miles over the mountains or seas in an airplane, I get a sudden onset of total panic in which I feel that my heart is beating so strongly out of my chest, that I must be having a heart attack. I guess I've always been the kind of woman who wants to have control. Being in the midst of millions of other cars on the CA-91 or having zero effect on whether the pilot has enough rest and competency to land us safely, does not assure me that I have any options or controls of how the situation will play out.

Of course, as a parent, I wonder about my children's well being, how they will make friends at different schools along their journeys through life, picking the right college, whether they will meet the right mate to marry for life, and if my grandchildren will be taken care of. And then there's me. Will I ever pay off all those student loans? Will people like me? Am I really a good wife/mother/daughter/friend? These sorts of thoughts keep me awake at night and I am GRATEFUL that I had the good wisdom to start really searching my Bible for peace--real peace, that only comes from a omnipotent, omnipresent God. He lead me to feel out a few verses and to try a couple different recovery meetings recently where it hit me that I am also powerless over my anxiety, and I must turn it over to Him to handle. 

Last week, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. Basically, my body feels pain in multiple places at random times- like my back, neck, head, knee, and chest, with very few physical tangible reasons.Another group of symptoms involve depression, anxiety, fatigue, and insomnia. There is no cure or cause. But I will not let this rule over me, holding me back, and stealing my joy. My hope is in the Lord. I have been through so much, yet have been given such freedom and happiness in having a renewed relationship with Jesus, my family, and having good friends. The Psalmist wrote, "He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection. Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor the arrow that flies in the day. Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness, nor the disaster that strikes at midday. Psalm 91:4-7 NLT

So I will keep my chin up, remembering that His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me!!! The day may seem hard, the night even longer, you might feel lonely at times, but God is with you wherever you are. We can ruin a chance to sit at Jesus' feet by fretting over a meal and what others are doing, just as Martha did. Or we can choose to rest in the love of God and have faith like a child. I leave you with this verse my family and I just spent time memorizing last week.

 "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Phil. 4:8

His Eye is On the Sparrow- Misty Feb 2012.wmv

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Not What I Expected

Recently, I found myself feeling very weighed down with burdens. Was I being a good enough mother? A good enough wife? Maybe I was pouring too much of myself into my ministry, into others, and not giving myself a good enough time to recharge my own thinly worn energy supply. I truly thought I was going on the strength of the Lord and was holding fast to Isaiah 40:31, "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." So important I thought it to meditate on this verse, my entire family committed it to memory. But day after day of long hours, not enough sleep, and work-related stress, I still didn't have the peace and rest my soul so desperately needed. And God showed himself to me in a way that I did not see coming. 

My eldest daughter Kylie gave her first public testimony at church this morning and she kept repeating how despite her anger, grief, and despair, God continued to answer her prayers in ways she couldn't understand at the time. How amazing is His love and incomprehensible that we cannot begin to know the depths of His ways and miracles in our lives! You see, just when I thought I had to keep on keeping on, for the mere sake of doing, God had other plans. Although it pains me to realize that MY method, MY constant grind of doing and doing and going through the motions is what I thought best, God knew better. I am now in a position to take some much needed time to be in fellowship with Him, to truly get deep in His Word and see that its not about what I DO, but about who HE is, in me. So even as the circumstances revolving my much needed rest may be filled with some despair and anguish, this is just my own pride and a stumbling block to what is necessary for me to grow deeper in love with Christ, so that I can be His daughter, a mere servant, serving the King of Kings. 

Isaiah 38:15-17,  "But what can I say? He has spoken to me, and he himself has done this. I will walk humbly all my years because of this anguish of my soul. Lord by such things men live, and my spirit finds life in them too. You restored me to health and let me life. Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction; you have put all my sins behind your back."