Sunday, February 19, 2012

Not What I Expected

Recently, I found myself feeling very weighed down with burdens. Was I being a good enough mother? A good enough wife? Maybe I was pouring too much of myself into my ministry, into others, and not giving myself a good enough time to recharge my own thinly worn energy supply. I truly thought I was going on the strength of the Lord and was holding fast to Isaiah 40:31, "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." So important I thought it to meditate on this verse, my entire family committed it to memory. But day after day of long hours, not enough sleep, and work-related stress, I still didn't have the peace and rest my soul so desperately needed. And God showed himself to me in a way that I did not see coming. 

My eldest daughter Kylie gave her first public testimony at church this morning and she kept repeating how despite her anger, grief, and despair, God continued to answer her prayers in ways she couldn't understand at the time. How amazing is His love and incomprehensible that we cannot begin to know the depths of His ways and miracles in our lives! You see, just when I thought I had to keep on keeping on, for the mere sake of doing, God had other plans. Although it pains me to realize that MY method, MY constant grind of doing and doing and going through the motions is what I thought best, God knew better. I am now in a position to take some much needed time to be in fellowship with Him, to truly get deep in His Word and see that its not about what I DO, but about who HE is, in me. So even as the circumstances revolving my much needed rest may be filled with some despair and anguish, this is just my own pride and a stumbling block to what is necessary for me to grow deeper in love with Christ, so that I can be His daughter, a mere servant, serving the King of Kings. 

Isaiah 38:15-17,  "But what can I say? He has spoken to me, and he himself has done this. I will walk humbly all my years because of this anguish of my soul. Lord by such things men live, and my spirit finds life in them too. You restored me to health and let me life. Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction; you have put all my sins behind your back."